September 25th, 2025.

 This is the 3rd time I posted something in Indonesian... yay, I guess? Anyway...

Dear diary,

Hari ini aku diusir oleh ibuku hanya karena aku terus-terusan menolak pakai kerudung.

Aku tidak bisa jujur bahwa alasanku sudah tidak ingin pakai kerudung karena aku sudah keluar dari Islam. Aku keluar dari Islam karena aku seorang lesbian. Sejak lahir aku tertarik pada sesama perempuan. Meskipun aku sering dibully oleh perempuan-perempuan lain termasuk ibu dan kakak-kakakku sendiri, hal itu tidak merubahku menjadi 'normal' kembali. Tapi aku tidak memusuhi sesama LGBT yang masih punya/taat agama, kok. Itu hak masing-masing saja dan aku sendiri merasa agama Islam memang tidak sejalan dengan identitasku sebagai seorang lesbian. Aku pernah beberapa kali membaca berbagai komentar dari orang-orang yang juga LGBT tapi masih punya/taat dengan agama mereka, dan I think it's totally fine as long as they're also fine with me.

Sayangnya, agama itu jauh berbeda dengan orientasi seksual. Agama bisa diubah. Tapi orientasi seksual memang nggak bisa diubah. Aku yakin itu. Kebanyakan orang yang mengaku bisa 'sembuh' sebenarnya masih queer. Tapi mereka sangat membenci diri mereka sendiri sehingga hidup dalam persembunyian. Meskipun, yah, kadang-kadang the closet is made out of glass. Jadi yang tidak punya gaydar versi pro max (kaya iPh*ne aja haha) pun masih tetap bisa mendeteksi bahwa mereka masih queer. Aku punya teori tersendiri bahwa orang-orang yang bisa 'sembuh' sebenarnya biseksual atau panseksual. Jadi ketertatikan dengan sesama jenis itu masih ada, dan mereka memaksakan diri untuk terlihat dan bersikap straight padahal antara mereka berpura-pura saja agar diterima oleh masyarakat/keluarga, atau mereka sebenarnya biseksual/panseksual tapi berusaha menekankan ketertarikan mereka pada lawan jenis biar dianggap 100% straight.

Ah, aku benar-benar bingung harus ngapain. Teman? Nggak punya. Ada beberapa teman online, semuanya orang luar negeri (dan mereka sama sekali TIDAK mendoktrinku untuk masuk LGBT ya!) itupun sekarang kami tidak pernah berkomunikasi (karena kami kenal lewat akun Tumblr lamaku, lol). Di Indonesia nggak ada hotline apalagi shelter untuk orang-orang LGBT. Ada mungkin ya, diluar sana, tapi aku sama sekali nggak punya uang untuk transportasi. Saat ini, di posisiku yang sudah diusir oleh orangtua, aku sedang menatap kosong ke arah tas yang sudah dijejeli pakaian dan barang-barang yang menurutku paling penting untuk dibawa. Aku sudah mencoba reach out ke beberapa media/organisasi LGBT di Instagram, rata-rata tidak direspon. Aku bertanya soal kesempatan untuk menjadi volunteer sih, bukan bertanya soal shelter dan semacamnya. Sisanya yang masih sudi merespon itu hanya memberitahuku bahwa mereka sedang tidak buka lowongan untuk menjadi volunteer. Ya nggak apa-apa lah, sudah aku coba ini. Tadinya aku mau menjadi volunteer untuk mempercantik CV beasiswaku, karena aku ingin sekali diterima oleh beasiswa yang peduli dengan hak-hak manusia salah satunya hak-hak LGBT. Jelas hal seperti ini nggak akan bisa kumasukkan kedalam CV utamaku, yang ada nanti semua perusahaan menolakku.

Tuhan, tolong selamatkan aku.

P.S: TOLONG KASIH TAU LOWONGAN KERJA REMOTE!! SAAT INI AKU MASIH KULIAH SECARA ONLINE DI SEMESTER 1 DAN SEMUA LOWONGAN KERJA REMOTE YANG KUDAFTAR TIDAK KUNJUNG MEMBERIKU KABAR!! (Sedih banget).

That cat is a better mother than my own.

 So a few months ago, a pregnant female cat came to our house. I feed her, bathe her, and sometimes pet her when she allows me to. One day, two kittens were born. 

None of my family like cats that much. While my sisters always closed their doors to prevent the cat from getting in, I always opened mine to let her play inside of my room. 

She hides her kittens in various places inside of the house. But I always found where they were. It's like the cat allowed only me to see her kittens. Well, everything goes alright until that day.

The cat peed on the couch where my mother always sleeps. Several times. She got angry, and I don't even want to write what later happened to that poor cat. Then she peed in my bed, too. But seeing my mother's disgusting behavior, I simply just took the wet sheets, blankets, and pillows and washed them. There she goes, that woman doesn't have any small piece of patience inside of her. The cat then moved her kittens to my room. But they peed on the bed again. After that, I too always closed my bedroom door to prevent the cat from coming, like my sisters do. 

I don't know if what I did is right or wrong.

My mother decided to take all of them away from the house. The cat always came back. For what, you ask? Looking for her kittens. Apparently, that woman throws them out in different places. She searches for them restlessly. First moving her kittens to hide them better. Then after they were truly gone, she always came back for them.

This cat is a better mother than my own.

You see, I've been disowned several times. First when I was 6. You read that right. I did my best to repress my painful childhood memories, but they always came back. Other painful words come out of her mouth again and again. But I always came back because I wasn't financially independent. And everything went kind of smooth, I mean, she still allowed me to show up in her house occasionally. As long as I don't touch her stuff (including food), I will be alright. Yes, she doesn't allow me to eat anything inside of her house. So I am used to being starved sometimes.

She disowned me again today. For real this time.

Well, at least high school will end in one and a half years. That's still a long time, but I don't feel too powerless like I did back then. Fortunately, I always saved my money because I know that this day will come. I can find a place near school and then move out of this shitty town forever.

Wish me the best of luck.

EDIT SEPTEMBER 25TH 2025: So a few days after I posted this, my family decided to take me back. I had no choice since I was (still) broke as hell. Two years later, on a cold September morning, my mother kicked me out again. More about that in my next post. 

Mads Mikkelsen Lookalike in My Town, or alternativelly, I Wish I Can Form Some Sort of Meaningful Connection with Other Queer People

What. Just. Happened.

This night I just encountered a man who looks exactly like that Hannibal/Le Chiffre actor. He's fair-skinned with thin but neat hair. His hair is dyed grey, but he does look rather middle aged. Old and young at the same time, I dunno why. Kinda reminds me of Miranda Priestly, actually. Shout out to The Devil Wears Prada. I saw him when I was just passing by, he's with another man and thety're sharing an umbrella. How sweet. We saw each other's faces, and his eyes are a clear, beautiful light brown. His lips are pink. I'm not joking. He looks like a man who was naturally born with an angel face. Was that other man his partner? They seem very close, sharing an umbrella like that.

I want to approach him, but I think it would be very rude. It's hard to be a queer in a conservative little town. I'm pretty sure that there are some other queers here but unfortunately I never got in contact with any of them. Maybe it;s because we;re trying so hard to hide ourselves. So yeah, let me just drop something here as a reminder that there is a FUCKING Mads Mikkelsen lookalike in my very town. And that he's possibly queer.

The only difference is that this man is short compared to the actual Mikkelsen. Maybe even the same height as me.

He has this serene, melancholic, and thoughtful expression when we look at each other after he realized that I was staring (how rude of me, but I do not mean to offend anyone), He smiled warmly when he's talking to his companion again, who also stared at me curiously. I think he knew that I'm not disgusted at all, so that's good. They really looked like a couple, I'm not kidding. This city is very homophobic, though. So I'm not sure... why would they display public affection in this hell of a town? Most probably because they didn't realize that I was there the whole time hahaha. How awkward. But it did give me some hope. They looked rather surprised when I caught them almost kissing under that shared umbrella. But we didn't talk to each other. Will I be able to meet them again someday? I hope so. Would be nice to be friends with other queers in this city. And may the lord give me the courage to approach him first. Politely, of course. Disclaimer: I'm still a lesbian and will always be. I'm not attracted to this man or his companion whatsoever, it just still feels unreal that a literal Mikkelsen lookalike is in my town. And before you ask, yes, I am a fan of NBC's Hannibal. Wish they never cancelled the goddamn show.

My first (and second) day of high school: it's the worst.

I think it's a universal fact that most kids don't like school. Including me. Sure, it's a privilege to be able to go to school, unlike so many others. And I may be taking it for granted for saying this, but let's face it: school sucks.

Whether it's the curriculum, homework, or people. I shouldn't be expecting some sort of angels wandering in school. We will meet obnoxious people anywhere, right? But the people in school are just on a whole other level.

Not to mention I don't have friends. Boo-hoo. Pretty sad, huh?

Alright, that's kind of embarrassing to admit. The people they considered as "friends" are actually just some sort of acquaintance for me. They come and go, and they're not reliable, let alone trustworthy. I really wish I had not only just a friend but a best friend that shares my interests/ideas/principles and doesn't mind spending their time with me. Just one is fine.

In this dog-eat-dog type of world, we really can't expect much, can we? I feel so stupid for wanting to live in a... Not exactly utopia, but a decent world where... You know. A place where I can live by my own rules. It doesn't have to be perfect but at least far from this hellhole.

On the first day of school, I already made a mess. On the second day, I'm being laughed at by the whole class. The teachers' personalities are the worst. I wonder why these people become teachers in the first place. Well, in here, being a teacher is considered prestigious. And  people are willing to do stupid things to obtain it: bribery, nepotism, and corruption. That's why we don't have a single nice person holding authority here. I wish that had changed a long time ago. But no. Not now, maybe in the future.

Well, that will change. Maybe not in here, or not them. For now. It will change once I get to get out of here and live by myself in a good place.

P.S.: I was lying about being the class clown last time. I just typed it to make myself feel better. I cracked a few jokes here and there, and people did laugh, but to claim that I was the class clown of my class is mainly because my entire existence is just a big joke. 

His Favorite Drink (RIP)

 

So this was his favorite drink. My late stepfather. What a guy... he was my best friend. It's very rare to see a dude being a good stepfather. Even though it was never official since he didn't marry my mom. I wonder why he can stand her ultra-conservative ass even though we're both free-spirited. It has become my favorite drink too, but unfortunately I rarely see it nowadays because not every (small) store sells them in my area. They are often widely available in mini/supermarkets.

"A drink to the living, a toast to the dead."

Too Personal

I hate it when fake people are being too personal with me. Especially when they can't actually hide their true intentions, which are just blatantly shown in their face or body language. It screams their real personality through their attitude or mannerism. Narcissism is such a bad joke. But also very funny at the same time. Then again, I guess the ones that actually CAN hide their sus intentions are creepier, more dangerous types of people. Charming, manipulative bastards.

You know, I, in the entirety of my life, am surrounded by those so-called 'fake' people. I don't know exactly, it's in a broader sense, I think. I don't want to be like those 14-year-olds with their cringe posts who love deep things... Whatever that means. It's an accidental innuendo. But these people, they definitely fit inside the fake category. Faker than my mom's tits. They do laughable things to try to get... whatever their version of 'pleasure' is, always thinking that they have to possess all of the things in this world to gain happiness. What kind of happiness did they want, I wonder? But in a way they also do too little but want too much. Not effortless, but definitely need to be more hardworking. Hahaha.

They keep appearing in my life to the point I can easily differentiate the fake from the genuine. Kind of. It's actually still hard sometimes. Because some of the people I thought were genuine just turned out to be very good at pretending.

So in a way, I am grateful to finally be able to do that. Shrug off those who wanted to use me, I mean. Sometimes I play along out of convenience or boredom. It's just so interesting and hilarious when they try so hard, but in the end I didn't give them what they wanted. The look of hatred on their face is going to cost me troublesome things in the future, but I think it's worth it. It's always worth it to see people who initially wanted to crush you end up crushing themselves instead.

So yeah. Disregard of boundaries is one of the keys to manipulation. Their over-friendliness is just a way to mask that they're actually wolves in sheep's clothing who just wanted to use you as their puppet. And then there are people who think that those who are genuinely friendly, or the ones who 'reciprocate' (for the sake of being polite), are flirting with them. Stop it. They are just being kind, and they mean it. Unlike you. I believe that sometimes, you just have to stop trying so hard to fool everyone. You'll end up fooling yourself.

Life and Death

We get on with life as anything,

Trying to survive and get by.

We pray to the one that,

Observing us with watchful eyes.

We like to contemplate life, 

So when we start to daydream,

Our minds turn straight to death.

Sometimes I look at the abyss and the abyss gazes back,

I notice the way it thinks about death with a smile,

Curved lips it just can't disguise.

But they think their misdeeds are making their lives worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for them to decide which they love more?

Life or...

Death?

They like to use words like 'good'

They like to use words like 'bad'

They like to use fancy words to describe them.

But when they finally stop their talking,

Their minds turn straight to death.

Sometimes they look at me and I look into their eyes,

I notice the way they think about death with a frown,

Curved lips I just can't disguise.

And they think it's death making their life miserable.

Why is it so hard for them to know which missed them more?

Life or...

Death?

They like to hang out with hatred,

They like to kick back with sins.

But when they were finally left alone,

Their mind turns straight to death.

Sometimes the abyss gazes but I don't realize,

It's too late to notice the way it thinks about life and death with a smile.

Curved lips it just can't disguise,

And they still think that corruption is making their lives worthwhile.

Why is it so hard for them to decide which controlled them more?

Life or...

Death?

They're not too fond of humanity,

And always blame fortune in the end.

It gives them what they wanted, 

But then take it back so easily.

If only they would just think back to death,

They will be happy once again.

.

This was made by a certain song lyrics generator I found on the internet, and I thought it was kind of interesting, but I changed some lyrics here and there so that it makes more sense (the original was a bunch of gibberish) and thereby I changed the entirety of the original's barely-there meaning... The last part was written by me though, just because I was addicted to Carmina Burana (lmaooo).

Starvation.

Starvation... In a way, it's both horrible and mysterious. A lot of people are starving right now unwillingly, but at the same time there are also people who willingly starve themselves.

I wrote this in order to take a look at the pain of those who cannot enjoy a good life, and prevent myself from becoming absorbed in worldly matters. Sometimes I do fasting and meditating. The results can pacify my mind.

I consider food as one of the highest privileges. It's scarce. Sometimes I even feel guilty enjoying food, knowing that they are hard to obtain. I am poor, and despite what other people think of me, I often feel reluctant to eat. I never throw myself into gluttony, knowing that I will regret it later. I ration all of my goods so that they will still be there when I need them tomorrow. 

Eating is what humans have to do to survive. It's one of the fundamental human rights. Without it we would've died a painful death. Slowly, with our stomach aching nonstop, we want nothing more than just a speck of rice or one gulp of water that won't even satisfy the hunger.

That being said, I always feel bad for those who are starving. Homeless people, the poor, or those in the middle of conflict. There are different kinds of starvation. Of hunger, of power, of money. Basic human needs that will become disgusting if you indulge in them. Crimes and other depravities are born because of one simple need that becomes bigger and bigger, to the point you want to have it all by yourself. To think that hunger is often born from another kind of (evil) starvation is very ironic.

Right now, I am starving. I'm not allowed to eat by my mother as a punishment, and the kitchen is currently empty. Even if there is food right now, I have to be sneaky just to obtain a little bit of food. I actually still have some money, so I can just go buy something that will suffice with the little money I have. But I'm actually used to this. This is not the first time she has done that to me. And I occasionally practice fasting too. So that will help. Gratefulness or thankfulness for small things really makes me feel hopeful again.

I hope someday I will be fully independent and get out of here.

Hatred

In her eyes, I was never enough. She is always guilt-tripping me, saying that the reason I can live until today is because of her. She thinks everything and anything is thanks to her, she sees herself as some kind of hero who always had to sacrifice her well-being for us. One day I said, "Then you are not actually the hero," and she responded with a good hard slap. What a narcissistic woman. No wonder no man ever had a lasting relationship with her, except for my late surrogate father, who had passed away recently. Even he chose to walk away after a few good years with us. Now that he's truly gone, I don't have a single nice parental figure in my life that is still alive. I have felt abandoned since birth, with those A+ parenting skills my mother had.

Not only me, but my annoying siblings also hated her deep in their hearts. But they liked to play nice in front of her to gain her approval- that also means joining her every time she throws her pitiful, pathetic anger at me. It's always because of some petty reasons, like jealousy or financial issues. Everything is a competition for her. I mean, I was never interested in being in that kind of relationship with anyone, never. I guess I am a lesbian, but I will admit that the reason I withdraw from any kind of relationship is partially because of my mother. She always tries to stop me from having a  relationship with anybody. Even just a simple friendship. I never seek more than that. But then sometimes I did it unintentionally, like she hates it when I just say hi or smile to someone. She immediately thought that I was flirting. Dear lord, no, I wasn't. I'm not trying to get laid. Is that normal for a mother? In the end, I feel disgusted just by the thought of pursuing a meaningful relationship, even though I wanted to (have an equal as a trusted companion).

And I never burden her financially, trust me. I acknowledged the fact that, of course, she supported me financially since birth. But it's just with very basic things, like food. It's a parent's job to raise their children, right? So what's wrong with having to support your child financially? Don't have kids then if you know you can't do that. I never asked my mother to buy things. I'm afraid. She even openly admitted that she hated to support my education, saying that it was all a waste of time and money. Hello? Are you serious, Mom? Do you really want your children to be like you? I think she does, she doesn't want anyone to be better or have a better life than her. That's just how it is. It's like crab trap mentality, you know. "If I can't have it, neither can you," and "If I can't get out, then you can't either." She really tried to drag everyone with her to that dark, bottomless pit.

That's how she is. She declares herself to be a selfless hero, but she thinks she's forced to support her children. Obligated or not, that's what a parent should do: give support. Even though I know that's the norm around the world, I never specifically asked, let alone forced or begged her.

I am not a spoiled child, I always buy my own things with my own frickin' money, dude. She always acts like we owe her anything in this world, meanwhile she has never been a good parent for us. I am a tough person, thanks to that 'military training' she gave. The older I got, the more the physical abuse decreased, but the mental abuse increased.

I was always being some kind of class clown at school. Well, not always, but I am that one kid who knew how to crack a joke in class and make everyone laugh. Or people like to laugh at me for no reason or because of something I'm unaware of. But this is also what I am at the same time. An empty, scattered, hateful kid. That was a self-defense mechanism, I guess. Because I did hope to finally get some true friends and stop being bullied. Because I am that one lone clown who sucks. But guess what? I am still glad I can make people laugh once or twice, but the rest is just a story. It's always the same. I feel pathetic for wanting to have a mere friendship. Partially because at the end, I don't know what to do with them. So the one who distanced himself and walked away is me. I don't want to be betrayed again. They are not really good anyway. But I never regretted it once. Being myself, I mean. It just comes naturally to me, I never faked being a funny cuckleloolander. The thing I hate is I once used that to forcefully follow the herd. How stupid is that?

Like they said, there are things that you better keep to yourself. That's true, even though now and then I sometimes slipped up by being too open and accidentally revealed my own embarrassment. Oversharing unnecessary things just to ease my own loneliness and self-hatred. Constantly seeking for approval unconsciously. Now, I am not exactly an introverted person, despite what a lot of condescending people think. No, it's not a bad thing if one likes to be alone more. But they misunderstood me. I am bold, sometimes too bold. I like to backtalkand get into arguments with authorities. The thing is that I used to keep everything private. I should go back to that. People I know think that being introverted is weak, and a lot of them are masking their own insecurities by forcing themselves to be bold. I don't agree with that. Personally, I think balance is the key, you can be introverted and extroverted at the same time. Why force yourself to become something you are not?

Am I like that too? I think I am. But the truth is, I am a naturally cheeky, rude, and disrespectful kid. I don't even give a single doggy-style damn. I had beefs with a lot of people, including teachers, classmates, and family. Dumb people that I don't respect at all in general.

I hated my own current situation and wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. This FUBAR (f_ed up beyond all recognition) small town with stupid people in it. There is no one I can trust, they always betrayed me at the end. I'm better off alone. 

His Funeral

Warning: another post full of grammatical errors and self-pity.

Yesterday morning was Mr. D's funeral. I had to go to school because my mom didn't let me tag along with her. I did have three exams that day, but I thought the funeral was more important. I keep asking her, but she still refuses. At the end, I did my exams with a mind full of haziness. I already lost two father figures, the first one was my biological dad when I was 7 due to several illnesses. Stupid exams are not what I had in mind. Economy, sociology, art. Didn't matter. My body was in the classroom, but my mind wasn't. It travelled elsewhere, trying to look for something: a location. Where could it be?

Not to mention my bullies were waiting at the school gate both in the morning and after school, with their disgusting snickering faces. They really like to keep this stupid game going, don't they? And that was the last thing I saw before I finally forced myself to walk home. I wonder what they will do if they knew about it. But I don't want them to know, obviously.

Initially I wanted to post this yesterday too. But I was too tired to even lift my finger. I guess I will visit him another day, just by myself. And I know asking for the location, let alone finding it myself, won't be easy. My mom keeps saying that we don't owe him anything, so we don't have to feel sorry for nothing. Even when he's already dead? I don't know what exactly happened between them, so I just keep my mouth shut this time. Still doesn't change the fact that he was a good substitute father for us. So why didn't she allow me to deliver my last regards?

I wanted to be at his funeral so bad. Rest in peace, Mr. Dahlan.

Surrogate Father. (Rest in Peace)

When I was... ten or eleven, in fourth or fifth grade (I don't exactly remember when it started), my mother got close with someone. At first I treated him like everyone else: he was still a stranger, after all. But then everything went well, and shortly, he became a father figure to me.

Ever since my father died when I was just seven, there have been a lot of men in relationships with my mother. They come and go. At first I thought this man would be the same as the others, but he wasn't. The relationship even lasted for three years or so. They broke up when I had just entered junior high school. But that's another story, and I will not elaborate further on that.

Let's just call him Mr. Dahlan. That's his real name, actually. He was our neighbor, we live in the same poor-neighborhood area. He rented his cars for a living, and at that time my mother needed someone to drive my sick sister to the hospital. We don't have any choice but to rent his car, and surprisingly, he offered to drive us to the hospital himself. The same thing often happened again, as my sister's health is not getting any better. She had osteoporosis and bad health in general, so we often went to one hospital after another, we even had to go to some shady alternative/traditional clinics, which, obviously, didn't work (but my mother still believes in those).

This man, unlike any of my mother's ex-boyfriends, didn't only try to be close to her but also to us (her children) as well. He drives me to school and even picks me up every day, joking and playing with us, buying us things, taking us to eat outside, and even cooking/gardening by himself. Yeah, he wasn't embarrassed to help with household chores. He even taught us a thing or two. He was a widower like my widowed mother for a long time, so he used to take care of himself. That's one of the reasons I liked him, and it was like I had a father again. I always knew when a man was not sincere about being a part of our family, and like I said before, he was different. I liked his efforts to try to get along with us, and most importantly, unlike my mother, he was a very patient person. He never got angry at us even when we annoyed him, and he was just a fun guy to be around. I remembered sometimes we liked to just sit together with a cup of coffee in the middle of the night, enjoying the night sky and breeze. Because of him, my mother became a better person too, at least for a while (before they broke up).

Life goes well. My family feels whole again, and my whippersnapper self proudly told my friends that he was my cool new dad (even though he and my mother were never married). Every weekend we went out to eat outside, and he would buy me books, even now in high school, I still like to read all of them fondly. For a brat like me at that time, every little thing meant a lot. And those were such wonderful mementos from him.

Wait, mementos?

Yes, a few years after their breakup, my mother became worse. I tried to assure/convince everyone (including myself) that everything would be ok, but obviously it wouldn't. I was just bullshitting myself through life. It was sad that they had to break up. Their relationship was not short, it was a long journey with many memories. But maybe that was for the better. I know he won't leave us just for some petty reasons. We never spoke again because since then, I have rarely even seen him. I think he moved further from his former house. I don't know the reasons. Maybe he couldn't bear seeing us again. It's disappointing, but I respect his choice. My mother is not an easy woman to be with.

As of today, June 10th, 2022, I got shocking news from my mother. Mr. Dahlan has been hospitalized since yesterday. She said it was a stroke, and he fell into a coma. She said that even the doctor and his family think his chance of surviving is very low. It was so sudden, because I don't remember he had any kind of illnesses or symptoms before. But alas, he was a heavy smoker. Maybe that's what got him in the first place. The last time I saw him was a long time ago, but still, why would such things happen to him so suddenly? What exactly happened to him since he disappeared? I felt sad and wary.

Then a few moments later his family told my mother he was declared brain dead by the hospital. Stroke got him that fast? No way. I wish I had visited him in the hospital. But it's too late. And I don't even know where. I think my mother didn't want me to know where. I feel so stupid. Why didn't I just find out the location myself? I really, really wish I could see him for the last time. I didn't know God would take him so fast.

Rest in peace, dad. Thanks for the good memories, you were truly like a father to me (this is not a pewdiepie joke, shut up).

let's talk about psychopathy #1

Disclaimer: Aku bukan seorang ahli maupun professional. Maka apabila ada kesalahan dalam tulisanku ini mari kita diskusikan secara sehat.

Psikopat asli tidak akan memberi tahu siapapun tentang jati diri mereka yang sebenarnya. Jadi bila seseorang mengaku psikopat (kecuali hanya tendensi psikopat) maka bisa dipastikan dia berbohong. Jika ada seseorang yang khawatir dirinya psikopat, juga bisa dipastikan dia manusia normal karena psikopat tidak merasa khawatir. Orang yang khawatir bahwa dirinya psikopat jelas memiliki moral dan tahu bahwa ada perbuatan mereka yang seharusnya tidak mereka lakukan. Tidak seperti psikopat asli. Psikopat tulen melakukan kejahatan dan tidak merasa menyesal sedikitpun. Namun, para psikopat juga sangat memikat sehingga dapat membuat semua orang percaya kalau dia tidak berbahaya. Mereka yang seperti inilah, disebut "high functioning psychopath", karena mereka berbaur ditengah masyarakat, bukannya penjara.

sumber: bakadesuyo.com (how to deal with psychopaths and toxic people)

Lampiran diatas sangat menarik sekali, karena memang hal itu terjadi pada seorang psikopat yang kukenal. Kedok mereka sangat susah diungkap karena banyak orang yang percaya dan menggantungkan diri padanya. Para psikopat pun senang dipercayai dan menjadi gantungan/pegangan diri orang lain. Sialnya, mereka susah sekali disibak dan justru malah orang lain yang kena getahnya.

Psikopat yang sesungguhnya tidak peduli pada orang lain, justru berpura-pura menjadi orang yang sangat peduli padamu. Hanya agar kau memberinya contekan, misalnya. Tapi dia tidak akan membiarkanmu menyadari bahwa kau telah dimanfaatkan sehingga sebisa mungkin dia akan membuat seolah-olah persahabatan kalian adalah hubungan yang saling menguntungkan. Padahal tidak.

Saat kau mulai curiga, tidak akan bertahan lama karena bagaimanapun seorang psikopat dapat melencengkan segala kecurigaan pada orang-orang yang masyarakat pikir memang berbahaya. Contohnya, seorang psikopat saat dicurigai sebagai pembunuh akan melakukan segala cara agar kalian justru lebih mencurigai koki dapur atau tukang jagal, karena menurut kalian profesi seperti itu lebih masuk akal jika dihubungkan dengan pembunuhan. Padahal pembunuh yang asli, si psikopat betulan, sedang tertawa-tawa dibelakang kalian sambil berpura-pura menyemangati atau bersimpati pada keluarga korban.

Menjijikan.

Aku sangat tidak suka pada orang psikopat. Mereka jahat, dan mereka bisa dengan mudah lolos dari perbuatan jahat yang telah mereka lakukan. Aku tidak pernah percaya bahwa mengambil nyawa orang lain adalah jawabannya, namun kuakui aku pernah membayangkan membunuh seseorang yang membuatku kesal. Namun itu juga dialami semua orang. Sayangnya, para psikopat membawa pikiran itu ke level yang lain.

Coba bayangkan skenario kedua berikut. Kalian punya dua bendahara di kelas, dan tiba-tiba uang kas kalian raib! Kecurigaan kalian mungkin akan lebih tertuju kepada Bendahara dibandingkan Wakil Bendahara. Kabar buruknya: Bendahara tersebut seorang psikopat. Maka dia akan memanipulasi kalian sehingga segala kecurigaan tidak tertuju padanya. Kebetulan sekali Wakil Bendahara terkadang suka terlambat dan entah kenapa kau mendengar bahwa terlambat merupakan korupsi waktu dan orang yang terlambat adalah koruptor. Waduh, gawat kan. Kecurigaan seisi kelas langsung beralih ke Wakil Bendahara sementara si Bendahara Psikopat menertawakan kebodohan kalian sambil menghitung uang yang dia curi.

Betul, psikopat memang selalu menganggap orang lain bodoh. Sehingga mereka suka menertawakan orang lain. Biasanya dalam hati agar tidak merusak citra mereka. Namun ada juga yang terang-terangan menertawakan orang lain. Aku tidak bilang menertawakan orang lain langsung membuatmu menjadi psikopat. Yang kukatakan adalah; psikopat selalu memandang rendah orang lain sehingga saat mereka merendahkanmu, mereka benar-benar merendahkanmu serendah-rendahnya.

Peringatan: bila kau mencoba memperingatkan orang lain soal psikopat yang kau tahu perbuatannya, kau harus sangat berhati-hati karena psikopat itu tidak akan tinggal diam. Tapi kau juga tidak boleh tinggal diam.

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A. Mustika

tambahan: malam ini aku baru saja memperingatkan seseorang tentang psikopat yang merupakan bawahannya di OSIS, yang kukenal baik semua perbuatannya sebagai psikopat. Aku hanya menyarankan dia berhati-hati dan lebih memperhatikan rekan-rekannya. Aku tidak menyebut satu nama pun. Aku ingin bermain dengan bersih. Kabar buruknya; dia sangat pintar memanipulasi orang dan memanfaatkan rasa bersalah sehingga, mungkin aku akan kalah dan perjudianku dengan situasi menjadi sia-sia. Tolong doakan aku. Psikopat harus dihentikan dan tidak boleh memiliki sesuatu yang bukan haknya.

susah bersyukur

Dengan mantap gue melangkah menuju ruang lab komputer. Hari ini ulangan harian IPS, dan karena ini bidangnya gue, gue yakin pasti bakal dapet 100. Begitulah pikiran jumawa gue saat itu.

Suasana lab komputer ricuh. Cewek-cewek pada teriak-teriak lebay, padahal belum dimulai juga. Udah ada yang ngomong ngalor-ngidul padahal belum tentu dia bakalan diremed/soal susah. Dan berbagai kehebohan khas anak-anak labil lainnya yang sangat menusuk kuping gue.

Sementara itu, gue berusaha fokus. Tekad gue bakalan dapet 100 di ulangan kali ini.

Ditengah proses pengerjaan itu gue kebawa emosi dan marah-marah. Gue orangnya memang susah mengontrol emosi. Bawaannya pengen marah mulu tiap kali liat seseorang melakukan suatu hal yang gue anggap bodoh. Gue kan mikirnya gini, 'ih kok bisa-bisanya dia ngelakuin itu, gak dipikirin dulu apa?'. Padahal, kalimat tersebut lebih pantas gue tunjukkan untuk diri gue sendiri.

Setelah perenungan, gue tahu hal tersebut terjadi sama gue karena gue pikir gue terlalu sok pinter, sehingga setiap kali orang berbuat hal (yang gue anggap) bodoh, gue gak bisa nahan emosi. Gregetan pengen teriak di kuping tu orang, "lo alay banget sih!"

Dan itulah salah satu fatal flaw gue.

Gue udah coba berbagai cara. Beristighfar, berdoa, hitung mundur, dan atur napas. Tapi gak ada yang mempan untuk meredakan gue dari emosi akibat menyaksikan perbuatan tolol orang-orang. Yang ada gue jadi berasa kayak bom aja pas nyoba hitung mundur. 10.. 9... 8.. 7... 6.. 5.. 4... 3... 2.. 1...

sumber: google.com

Sifat tolol gue mendapatkan buah pahitnya. Akibat sibuk marah-marah, gabisa kalem ngadepin orang-orang lebay ketika ulangan didalem ruang lab kurang udara, gue akhirnya dapet nilai 90. Gak jauh dari target gue, dan gue pun puas dengan nilainya. Tapi tunggu dulu, kejutan lain tak sabar untuk ngagetin.

Lo: *ngerjain ulangan kurang serius*
Ulangan: *hasilnya jeblok*
Lo:

apaan sih gaje

Ternyata, nilai yang gue peroleh bukanlah yang tertinggi. Ada banyak orang yang nilainya lebih tinggi daripada gue. Dalam hati gue merasa malu, masa calon peserta OSN IPS nilai ulangan IPS nya bukan yang terbaik? Begitulah kesedihan yang gue alami saat itu.

Ada yang nilainya 93, bahkan 97 (salah 1 soal). Gue pun menyesal, seandainya gue gak fokus nyuruh orang biar gak berisik, gue pun bisa meraih nilai lebih daripada 90. Kepala gue mumet, gara-gara lebih merhatiin masalah yang mengalihkan gue dari tujuan gue daripada tujuan itu sendiri.

Dan sialnya, gue tau ada beberapa orang yang nilainya bagus tapi tidak jujur. Sayang sekali, mereka mendapat banyak pujian tetapi palsu. Dibandingkan yang nilainya rendah tetapi jujur. Tapi gue gabisa terus terang (untuk sekarang). Karena ada beberapa faktor yang bikin gue gabisa menceritakan hal ini kesiapapun. Salah satunya adalah karena si tersangka yang sedang kita bicarakan ini orangnya charming-manipulatif. Tapi orang-orang pada gasadar dia psikopat saking charming-nya dia.

Haduh, jadi curhat kemana-mana kan.

Saat ini gue sedang memikul dua beban yang berat. Beban pertama, adalah harus menjadi anak paling hebat di pelajaran IPS (karena terpilih seleksi OSN sekolah). Beban kedua, adalah harus mencetak rangking 1 kembali, kalau bisa dengan rangking 1 umum seperti dulu. Dan ini susah sekali mengingat guru-gurunya yang sekarang memiliki berbagai watak yang berbeda, dimana gue kurang terbiasa dengan beberapa sikap mereka. Lalu gue dituntut harus yang paling bagus disetiap mata pelajaran. Gue ingin seperti diri gue yang dulu, selalu bersyukur berapapun nilai yang gue dapat. Sebab dulu gue gak punya keinginan untuk rangking 1 sama sekali. Apalagi juara umum, yang baru gue tau bahwa juara umum eksis di sekolah setelah mendapatkannya. Keduanya merupakan hal paling tidak terduga yang terjadi sama gue tahun lalu.

Sekarang gue susah bersyukur. Saat menjadi yang terbaiklah gue baru melakukannya. Jangan ditiru, ya.

Ada banyak perasaan yang muncul ketika tau nilai gue disalip nilai orang. Ada iri, merasa tidak adil, takut kehilangan rangking, takut tidak dianggap lagi menjadi siswa yang paling top. Dll, dsb, dst.

Gue bisa saja tidak memusingkan perihal ranking. Gue bisa belajar dengan bahagia seperti tahun lalu. Tapi bisakah gue melepaskan beban itu dengan mudahnya? Bagaimana dengan orang-orang yang nantinya akan gue kecewakan? Bagaimana jika gue tidak kuat menerima hinaan dari orang-orang?

Susah besyukur, padahal banyak orang yang nilainya dibawah gue. Gue hanya melihat mereka yang nilainya diatas gue.

Mungkin seharusnya gue gak perlu nulis panjang-panjang, karena hanya ada satu kalimat yang bisa jadi menjelaskan semuanya. Satu kalimat yang gue berusaha tampik dari dalam diri gue sendiri.

Nafsu untuk menjadi yang terbaik.