Hatred

In her eyes, I was never enough. She is always guilt-tripping me, saying that the reason I can live until today is because of her. She thinks everything and anything is thanks to her, she sees herself as some kind of hero who always had to sacrifice her well-being for us. One day I said, "Then you are not actually the hero," and she responded with a good hard slap. What a narcissistic woman. No wonder no man ever had a lasting relationship with her, except for my late surrogate father, who had passed away recently. Even he chose to walk away after a few good years with us. Now that he's truly gone, I don't have a single nice parental figure in my life that is still alive. I have felt abandoned since birth, with those A+ parenting skills my mother had.

Not only me, but my annoying siblings also hated her deep in their hearts. But they liked to play nice in front of her to gain her approval- that also means joining her every time she throws her pitiful, pathetic anger at me. It's always because of some petty reasons, like jealousy or financial issues. Everything is a competition for her. I mean, I was never interested in being in that kind of relationship with anyone, never. I guess I am a lesbian, but I will admit that the reason I withdraw from any kind of relationship is partially because of my mother. She always tries to stop me from having a  relationship with anybody. Even just a simple friendship. I never seek more than that. But then sometimes I did it unintentionally, like she hates it when I just say hi or smile to someone. She immediately thought that I was flirting. Dear lord, no, I wasn't. I'm not trying to get laid. Is that normal for a mother? In the end, I feel disgusted just by the thought of pursuing a meaningful relationship, even though I wanted to (have an equal as a trusted companion).

And I never burden her financially, trust me. I acknowledged the fact that, of course, she supported me financially since birth. But it's just with very basic things, like food. It's a parent's job to raise their children, right? So what's wrong with having to support your child financially? Don't have kids then if you know you can't do that. I never asked my mother to buy things. I'm afraid. She even openly admitted that she hated to support my education, saying that it was all a waste of time and money. Hello? Are you serious, Mom? Do you really want your children to be like you? I think she does, she doesn't want anyone to be better or have a better life than her. That's just how it is. It's like crab trap mentality, you know. "If I can't have it, neither can you," and "If I can't get out, then you can't either." She really tried to drag everyone with her to that dark, bottomless pit.

That's how she is. She declares herself to be a selfless hero, but she thinks she's forced to support her children. Obligated or not, that's what a parent should do: give support. Even though I know that's the norm around the world, I never specifically asked, let alone forced or begged her.

I am not a spoiled child, I always buy my own things with my own frickin' money, dude. She always acts like we owe her anything in this world, meanwhile she has never been a good parent for us. I am a tough person, thanks to that 'military training' she gave. The older I got, the more the physical abuse decreased, but the mental abuse increased.

I was always being some kind of class clown at school. Well, not always, but I am that one kid who knew how to crack a joke in class and make everyone laugh. Or people like to laugh at me for no reason or because of something I'm unaware of. But this is also what I am at the same time. An empty, scattered, hateful kid. That was a self-defense mechanism, I guess. Because I did hope to finally get some true friends and stop being bullied. Because I am that one lone clown who sucks. But guess what? I am still glad I can make people laugh once or twice, but the rest is just a story. It's always the same. I feel pathetic for wanting to have a mere friendship. Partially because at the end, I don't know what to do with them. So the one who distanced himself and walked away is me. I don't want to be betrayed again. They are not really good anyway. But I never regretted it once. Being myself, I mean. It just comes naturally to me, I never faked being a funny cuckleloolander. The thing I hate is I once used that to forcefully follow the herd. How stupid is that?

Like they said, there are things that you better keep to yourself. That's true, even though now and then I sometimes slipped up by being too open and accidentally revealed my own embarrassment. Oversharing unnecessary things just to ease my own loneliness and self-hatred. Constantly seeking for approval unconsciously. Now, I am not exactly an introverted person, despite what a lot of condescending people think. No, it's not a bad thing if one likes to be alone more. But they misunderstood me. I am bold, sometimes too bold. I like to backtalkand get into arguments with authorities. The thing is that I used to keep everything private. I should go back to that. People I know think that being introverted is weak, and a lot of them are masking their own insecurities by forcing themselves to be bold. I don't agree with that. Personally, I think balance is the key, you can be introverted and extroverted at the same time. Why force yourself to become something you are not?

Am I like that too? I think I am. But the truth is, I am a naturally cheeky, rude, and disrespectful kid. I don't even give a single doggy-style damn. I had beefs with a lot of people, including teachers, classmates, and family. Dumb people that I don't respect at all in general.

I hated my own current situation and wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. This FUBAR (f_ed up beyond all recognition) small town with stupid people in it. There is no one I can trust, they always betrayed me at the end. I'm better off alone.